My life as a vampire

     The blood-taking went well today. I've had transfusions before, but always in concert with surgery or hospitalization, meaning I recall very little of them. Today I was wide awake (for the most part) and a little queasy considering those crimson bags hanging above my head, their bloody tails snaking into my chest catheter. It's ghoulish, no doubt, but I'm thankful there are people willing to donate. It took about six hours. Afterwards, M and I stopped for fried chicken ("chicken on the bone," A calls it) and came home and watched the stock market crash. Then I slept for three hours. 

     The theory is that I will feel -- what? perky? -- by tomorrow. Chemo's on for Friday. Yeehaw.

     My sister is on her way over to watch the Town Hall Debate, a genteel euphemism considering how thuggish the McPalin campaign has become over the last few days. Inciting violence now, they are -- openly, it would seem -- against anyone and everyone who doesn't favor their flavor of Kool-Aid. Obama. Biden. Journalists. Democrats. People with brains. Sarah Palin is a pig. McCain is a hypocrite (he voted for the bear DNA project he derided as pork in the first debate; that's the least of it) and a caricature of himself; a man who has sold his soul. I can't imagine his first act every morning isn't throwing up in shame. 

     Hopie's here -- showtime.

Today

     The last three days have been extraordinarily odd. I've been following politics, of course, and managed to read NYTBR, and watched back-to-back episodes of "House" last night (greatest show on TV) -- and in between, I did nothing but sleep. Hard. With dreams and everything. Lots of dreams about kittens in distress.

     That's what insufficient red blood cells do, I gather; deprive the ol' body of oxygen, effectively putting it to sleep.

     Today I have to go the hospital for another CBC (complete blood count) prior to tomorrow's 7:45 a.m. transfusion. Then, I have to go to school for a meeting about an upcoming event I'm coordinating, then it's on to Poetry Workshop from 4:00 until 6:45. And I think I need to stop to put gas in the car.

     Poops me out just thinking about it, but I already missed one workshop a couple of weeks ago, and I love the class. Love it. 

     Apart from feeling veeeery sleeeeepy, the pain's not too bad today. I'll eat a pill before I leave home and hope it lasts.

     So. Effectively there is no point to this post. Blah blah blah.

Staggering incoherence, Part Deux

   ...In which word salad is reformatted and represented as amusing poetics.

     From Slate, by way of Seth Abramson's The Suburban Ecstasies, I offer "The Poetry of Sarah Palin."

On Good and Evil

It is obvious to me

Who the good guys are in this one

And who the bad guys are.

The bad guys are the ones

Who say Israel is a stinking corpse,

And should be wiped off 

The face of the earth.

That's not a good guy.

God help us, there are many, many more.

Staggering incoherence

A blurb in the NYT, which SaPa claims to read "my copy of," features this actual string of words from the actual mouth of the actual woman John McCain would seek to install up there in Warshin'ton should, God forbid, they be blessed with the awesome blessing of service in this great state of Alaska and, also, America:

"If we can be that beacon of light and hope for others who seek freedom and democracy and can live in a country that would allow intolerance in the equal rights that again our military men and women fight for and die for all of us."

Pop a Pepcid and read all about it.

In the tank

     Well, I have nothing much to say about the VP debate that hasn't been said better by smart people all over the Interwebs. The dum-dums weren't listening last night, they were cooing; I have no use for them. Call me in the tank for Obama, if you must -- the genesis of that suddenly ubiquitous phrase is a mystery to me --  but at least I'm swimming with funny, bright people. 

     M offered to forward to me a Time snippet about why "women dislike Sarah" -- including fallacies such as "she's too pretty," "they're afraid she'll make them look bad," etc. Infuckingfuriating. I can't stand Sarah Palin for the same reason I turned against Susan Allen, long-suffering wife of Republican legislative delegate turned governor turned congressman turned senator turned "rising star" on the national stage who shot himself out of a canon and landed in Macacaland just a couple of years ago. Anyway, as a journalist twenty years ago, I covered his hijinx and caught on but quick that not only is he inauthentic in presenting himself as an "aw, shucks" tobacco-spitting, cowboy hat-wearing Southerner (???), but his wife is equally inauthentic in presenting herself as a button-nosed cutesy nitwit who defers to dumb men. (Not even smart men; dumb men.) It turns my stomach, the winking, the gee-whizzing, the flirting. It turns my stomach because, as a baby reporter with zero experience and blonde hair, I used those same tactics to try to get dumb men -- in my case, the peabrains in the police and sheriff's offices in Chattanooga, TN in 1984 -- to give me the information I needed to file stories. I wasn't asking for scoops; I just wanted the same access the boy reporters got. And every time I ran up against a brick wall, which was daily, sometimes hourly, I resorted to the only thing I knew how to do: I smiled, I flirted, I ingratiated myself. Sometimes it worked, mostly it didn't. I got pulled off "general assignment reporting" and promoted to anchoring (this was at a piss-poor CBS-affiliate TV station; I was 22; it did not escape my understanding that they'd have pulled a monkey off the street to anchor those newscasts, so low were the pay and the expectations). I hated myself for playing the game. I had slimed myself; had betrayed my gender and my mother's example and feminism and was caving to the most insidious kind of sexism. I may as well have slept with the fuckers in return for basic facts of a crime or court case. And now, I feel a twisting deep in my gut -- that old familiar, visceral stomach-turning -- every time I see The Two Faces of Sarah. Tough and confident? You betcha. Fine. Pandering and flirtatious? Wink! "Gee willikers, can ya help me out here? I just don't understand you big strong men from Warshin'ton, DeeCee!" Wink!

     Puke.

     An apt segue to what happened at the infusion center today, or didn't happen. No chemotherapy for me, so in the tank are my red blood cells and platelets. Fuck. First time I've ever been turned away. I have to have a blood transfusion. They scheduled it for Tuesday. I feel like poo.

     And I'm scared I'm not going to be able to tolerate Topo Gigio, and then what?

     Maybe I can summon that witch doctor dude from up there in Alaska to come pray over me.

Foundationally I'm just ill about it

     It is a terrible thing to lose one's words -- or not to have a word.

     I guess in that case, one must invent a word.

     In the course of the last couple of horrifying/screamingly funny Katie Couric convos, SaPa has thrust into the lexicon  foundationally, which, near as I can tell, means something akin to fundamentally, though in the non-context of her word salad could also mean basically; theoretically; in my pretend fairy-world; or they told me not to say fundamentally because it'll remind people I'm a batshit fundamentalist extremist, so I'm gonna throw out something that starts with an 'f' and no one will notice, especially if I wrinkle my nose.

     I just want to mention a couple of things I'll be looking for tonight. First, everyone is counseling Joe Biden to hold the hell off lest he appear to be condescending to or, God forbid, attacking his delicate female opponent. I think this counsel is patently sexist, especially considering the McCain goons have been instructed to "let 'er loose" and are, at this very moment, creekside in Sedona feeding her red moose meat and blasting the Rocky anthem. So, um. How come she gets to chew Biden't ankles with her wolverine teeth, but he's not allowed to respond in kind? She's allowed -- expected -- to use wise-ass sarcasm, but he's not? Yes, I want to see him be respectful; I expect that from her, too. No, he does NOT have to be, for Christ's sake, deferential, or worse, reverential, as some pundits have suggested. (I assume they know what the word means, since they're on the teevee.) Reverent because she's a she? Respectful because she's a mother? Polite because she can't take it, or because it would be ungallant of him not to roll over and let the little lady scratch him to pieces? Sexist sexist sexist.

     Second, the format heavily accommodates SaPa's perceived strength -- that ability to say shit without saying anything at all. (Why is that valued, again? I always forget.) "In our great nation of America" is her new "um," replacing the "here in Alaska" phrase she repeated so frequently in her gubernatorial debates as a placeholder while she gathers her... her thoughts? Whatev. Anyway, my understanding is that there is no room for Ifill to ask follow-up questions of the type our Gotcha Gal Couric asked, which exposed Palin for the shallow, incurious, ill informed beauty pageant contestant she is. Over and over and over again (thanks, CBS!). 

     The anti-intellectuals will say she slammed it home. They'll say she's just like them. I say they're exactly right. Which makes my argument that the uneducated stupidshit should be nowhere near the Oval Office. 

     Heaven forbid we elect an educated, intelligent person who's actually been paying attention.

     Loaded for bear. I got your loaded for bear right here, cretins.

     UPDATE: Meanwhile, McCain seems to have foundationally misplaced his entire brain. On MSNBC this morning, McCain foundationally forgets that he foundationally voted FOR the bill he now says foundationally puts us on the brink of economic disaster, foundationally speaking. Call me crazy, but I suspect this is new GOP strategery: forget the multiple crises we face, focus on driving thinking people criminally insane with mindbending doublespeak. 

Upbeat or else

     The New York Times runs an article today about Vitamin C and cancer. It's so confoundingly paradoxical -- and obvious -- that it infuriates me: some new study finds that taking large doses of C to boost the immune system, both to ward against infection while on chemo and to engage the body in attacking cancer cells, makes cancer cells stronger. 

     No shit. The reason this disease is so obscene is that it is literally the body turning against itself. What's bad for the cancer cells, chemo, is also bad for the healthy cells -- so of course it follows that what boosts healthy cells also strengthens and lengthens the life of the fucking cancer cells. How many hundreds of thousands of dollars went into the research that concluded that water is wet? Jesus.

     My oncologist once said to me and M, "Oh, we can cure cancer. What we haven't figured out is how to keep the patient alive while we do it."

     Anyway, reading that article brought me to another NYT article/public discussion about the expected emotional response to cancer, and how damaging those expectations are. I knew when I posted the other night that I am not alone in feeling pinched by this myth that a good attitude is paramount, and reading this article, and especially the back-and-forth of the public comments, shows it's on a lot of other minds, too.