Conundrum

     Ooph. No chemo yesterday due to a fever I didn't realize I had. Also, I had a pretty intense meltdown and called an audible just as Elaine-the-best-infusion-nurse-ever leaned down to access my port (for the uninitiated, which I hope you are, that means just as she was about to stick the IV needle into the catheter in my chest to draw blood for lab work). "Do we have to do this today," I asked. The answer was no, absolutely not, good call, way to take control, take a week off and feel better, we'll re-do the schedule, going to call your doctor, be right back.

     Well, here's the thing: because of escalating symptoms, I am scared the chemo is not working. Yet the nurses and my doctor tell me I haven't been on it long enough for it to do its thing; I have yet to complete a three-week cycle. So, while I'm afraid it isn't working and we're wasting valuable time, I'm also afraid to skip it, and frustrated that my body finds ways to confound our best efforts. First my blood counts crashed, now a sudden fever. And I keep getting sicker.

     Cancer Blows, Reason #973: BORING. The world folds in on itself. All I talk about, think about, write about, is me. My body, my illness, my pain, my blood, my cells. Cancer snares me in a self-perpetuating web of self-involvement, and bores the everliving shit out of me.